The End is Nigh
The end is almost in sight, so why do I see nothing but a great black void beyond it? I should be feeling anticipation and excitement at the possibilities which are open to me, but for some reason I’m not. Even though it’s stressful and frustrating and ultimately bad at me, I find myself wanting to stick with the familiar…
Part of it probably stems from doing a dissertation at the moment. The deadline’s on Friday afternoon and it seems close, far too close. I’m paranoid I’m not going to get it done. This obviously disinclines me towards anything that might hint of doing this stuff again in the future - i.e. a PhD place, which might explain why I still haven’t sent in my application yet.
But that still doesn’t really explain why I don’t really want to move past this. Why, if I hate this pressure so much, can’t I look forward to what comes after it? Sure, I’m looking forward to having less pressure, but I guess what’s really getting me is that I’ll end up leaving University, and the bubble’s going to burst. I’ll be out in the Real World, and I won’t necessarily have a clue what to do with it.
Someone who’s been here before may recall my musings about what I should do with my life. I’m not entirely convinced that I know what I’m doing still, I’m not entirely convinced that I knwo what I want to do, although I really should have sent in that PhD form already if I wanted to keep my options as open as possible - which in a way I think I do. If I get a decent offer then I should take it, surely. Okay, I’ll probably end up a lifetime academic/Special, but that’s gotta be better than ending up in a cubicle five and a half days a week and not being in the police at all. Of course, I could end up in a cubicle five and a half days a week and still be a Special, but there are no certainties when dealing with the future.
Please stop the world, I want to get off!